Monday, 19 July 2010

The Natural History of the Scrote

Advanced scrote territorial markings - some of
the hieroglyphs have been translated, others

still baffle linguistic experts
The scrote is a creature increasingly to be found in our urban environment. His natural habitats are our semi-derelict industrial areas, back alleys and overgrown wasteland where he can scavenge largely undisturbed.
For the scrote watcher there are few more rewarding ways to observe this fascinating creature in the wild than to take a boat through some of the scruffier areas of the midlands where such urban habitats abound.
From painstaking observations we have observed that there are in fact several sub species of the basic scrotus scrotus. Until recently the most prolific was the capped scrote - so called because of the patterned cap than adorns an otherwise nearly hairless head and which extends in a peak down the neck. However this variant has now been overtaken by the hooded scrote, with less colourful plumage that extends up over his head and gives the creature a menacing air.
The raucous scrote can be found in some environments; he is known for his colourful plumage in many variations - red, red and white stripes, all blue, black and white and so on. Rival gangs of raucous scrotes often have vicious territorial fights.
The spotted or pustuled scrote was until recently believed to be a separate species but is now understood to merely be a juvenile version of the common scrote.
Watching them at play (they rarely work) the common scrote can be seen to be a social creature. He likes to mingle noisily with fellow scrotes, posturing, displaying and sometimes fighting viciously with other males. He is a semi-nocturnal creature, rarely seen or heard before noon but his shrieks and shouts often go onto into the night accompanied by the sound of breaking glass or cans being thrown about.
Interestingly these scrote gatherings are almost entirely male - the female of the species is rarely seen at them but can instead be observed in city centres often shouting noisily at baby scrotes outside Somerfields. Indeed, the scrote is a prolific breeder - there's no actual breeding season and female scrotes are often pregnant more or less continuously from the age of 14. (And unlike some creatures the scrote does not mate for life - indeed the dominant scrote male appears determined to mount as many females as possible.)
Scrotes also mark their own bodies in coloured patterns and pierce holes in parts of their anatomy (though other, non scrotes have performed similar rituals for thousands of years of course.)
We observed, fascinated, while scrotes engaged in their various activities - drinking, dope smoking, fishing, bmx riding and the like but, though he is a noisy and very public creature, much of the scrote's world remains still a secret one.
The scrote generally looks thin, pale and under-nourished so what does he feed on? His diet can best be observed by analysing scrote droppings - in fact these droppings are often the first tell-tale signs of fresh scrote activity in an area. Beer and coke cans, Macdonalds wrappers and crisps appear to be common scrote-food in most areas. (See photo)
But even more secretive than the droppings are the spray markings that scrotes leave to identify their territory. Most male animals leave a tell-tale spray of urine. Though the scrote does often urinate in public places his spray markings are in colourful aerosol paints. Some are intricate signatures; others mere daubs by juvenile scrotes (photo below).
By and large the scrote remains remote from his fellow humans - apart from grunts, curses and threatening noises there is little communication between them. Indeed our efforts to communicate with them suggest that some have virtually lost the power of speech altogether. Attempts to photograph them proved impossible - at the sight of a camera they either advanced aggressively or retreated beneath their raised hoods into the shadows.
But don't totally write the scrote off - there is evidence that some can be domesticated with the help of dedicated assistance and much expensive support. Unlike some animals which respond well to training, the scrote rebels against routine and discipline - though curiously some can sit quietly for hours fishing. But, in time, the maturing scrote can be persuaded to perform simple tasks which non-scrotes feel beneath them and can even, in some instances, become a valued member of the community. Which is probably just as well as scrote numbers do appear to be increasing rapidly in our urban areas.

1 comment:

Anglerman said...

They fish? Are you serious? Must be an inland variety you're observing; the coastal type just don't do that. Oh - hang on, I'd forgotten the cans, bottles, detritus etc. left around when it's mackerel-feathering time & the coastal scrote introduces its young to the joys of trashing the rock ledges with ordure & litter.

OK - they fish...